Detailed Feedback

Introduction

“Nowadays in worldwide nations, every moment, we are displayed advertisements on TV shows, magazines or huge LED boards situated on intersections. In what methods they are produced or how much producers care about ethical trend to making them? I believe they intent to have more watcher to earn more money regardless to its consequences.”

Feedback

• Task Response/Task Achievement: The introduction provides a general context about advertising but lacks a clear thesis statement that directly addresses the prompt. It should explicitly state your position regarding the ethics of advertising. For example, “I strongly agree that many advertising methods are unethical and unacceptable in today’s society.”
• Coherence & Cohesion: The flow of ideas is somewhat disjointed. Using transitional phrases could help connect thoughts more effectively.
• Grammatical Range & Accuracy: There are grammatical issues such as “intent to have more watcher” → “intend to have more viewers” and “regardless to its consequences” → “regardless of its consequences.”
• Lexical Resource: The vocabulary is basic; consider using more sophisticated language. For example, “worldwide nations” could be replaced with “countries around the world.”

Rewrite suggestion

“In today’s globalized society, advertisements are ubiquitous, appearing on television, in magazines, and on large LED screens at busy intersections. However, the methods used to create these advertisements often raise ethical concerns. I strongly believe that many advertising strategies are unethical and unacceptable in today’s society, as they prioritize profit over ethical considerations.”

Body Paragraph 1

“In first point of view, some families my does not need something that is displaying on tv, but as home wife see the advertisement will feel that is a good idea to have it and decide to buy it immediately. In another case, there is families who have young offspring who mentally is not wise enough to perceive everything in family situation. Therefore, they will have high demand while they are watching a new toy advertisement. Begging his parent to purchase it and crying all time. As a result his poor father will be finally obliged to buy the toy.”

Feedback

• Task Response/Task Achievement: The paragraph presents an example but lacks clarity and depth. The argument could be strengthened by discussing the impact of such advertisements on consumer behavior and family dynamics more thoroughly.
• Coherence & Cohesion: The points are not well-organized. Consider using clearer topic sentences and linking phrases to improve flow.
• Grammatical Range & Accuracy: There are several grammatical mistakes, such as “some families my does not need” → “some families may not need,” and “his poor father will be finally obliged” → “his father may feel compelled to buy.”
• Lexical Resource: The vocabulary is quite simplistic. Phrases like “home wife” could be replaced with “homemaker,” and “high demand” could be better expressed as “increased desire.”

Rewrite suggestion

“From one perspective, some families may not need the products advertised on television. However, a homemaker who sees an advertisement may feel compelled to purchase the item, believing it to be a good idea. Additionally, families with young children, who may not fully understand family finances, often experience increased desire when they see advertisements for new toys. Children may beg their parents to buy these toys, leading to situations where parents feel compelled to make purchases they may not have otherwise considered.”

Body Paragraph 2

“In second point, they may use psychological weaknesses; for example, by displaying a young lady with fitness body who is using some stuff on show to attract people for the good. It may apparently not so bad, but if we go deep in down will understand that how it may have an effect of youth brain and corrupt it. Or by using a charming sentences on cigarette box “the ideal of a manhood” as a person see this advertisement on the box, will feel himself on his dreams and will buy it.”

Feedback

• Task Response/Task Achievement: The paragraph introduces another point but lacks specificity. More concrete examples and analysis of the psychological effects of advertising would strengthen your argument.
• Coherence & Cohesion: The organization could be improved. Use clearer topic sentences and transitions to enhance coherence.
• Grammatical Range & Accuracy: There are grammatical errors such as “In second point” → “In the second point” and “the ideal of a manhood” → “the ideal of manhood.”
• Lexical Resource: The vocabulary is repetitive and lacks sophistication. Consider using terms like “manipulate” instead of “attract.”

Rewrite suggestion

“In addition, advertisers often exploit psychological vulnerabilities. For instance, by featuring an attractive woman with an ideal physique using a product, they aim to manipulate viewers’ perceptions. While this tactic may seem harmless, a deeper examination reveals its potential to negatively impact young people’s self-esteem and body image. Furthermore, advertisements on cigarette packages that promote messages like ‘the ideal of manhood’ can lead individuals to associate smoking with masculinity and success, prompting them to make unhealthy choices.”

Conclusion

“In conclusion, the advertisement makers, regardless to the bad effects the advertise may cause on people, will made them due to make their customers satisfying. But it may have bad consequences on society which due to avoiding this trend i suggest authorities make some plans for the circumstance to check and control advertisements before showing up.”

Feedback

• Task Response/Task Achievement: The conclusion summarizes the argument but lacks a strong final statement. It would benefit from reiterating your main position more emphatically.
• Coherence & Cohesion: The flow is somewhat choppy. Consider rephrasing for better clarity and coherence.
• Grammatical Range & Accuracy: There are grammatical issues such as “regardless to the bad effects” → “regardless of the negative effects” and “will made them due to make their customers satisfying” → “create advertisements to satisfy their customers.”
• Lexical Resource: The vocabulary is quite basic. Phrases like “bad effects” could be replaced with “adverse consequences.”

Rewrite suggestion

“In conclusion, advertisement creators often prioritize profit over the potential negative effects their advertisements may have on consumers. This trend can lead to significant societal issues. To address this, I suggest that authorities implement regulations to monitor and control advertisements before they are aired, ensuring they do not exploit vulnerable populations.”

Argument Improvement

Task Type: Opinion (Agree or Disagree)

Key Tips

• Clearly state your position in the introduction.
• Use specific examples to support your arguments.
• Conclude with a strong statement that summarizes your viewpoint.

Suggested Structure

• Introduction
  • State the prevalence of advertising.
  • Present your thesis: “Many advertising methods are unethical.”
• Body Paragraph 1
  • Discuss how advertisements influence consumer behavior.
  • Example: Advertising targeting families and children.
• Body Paragraph 2
  • Examine psychological manipulation in advertising.
  • Example: Use of idealized images and slogans.
• Conclusion
  • Summarize your position.
  • Suggest regulatory measures to control unethical advertising practices.

Grammar & Vocabulary Correction

Topic-Related Vocabulary

Grammar Enhancement

Cohesion Enhancement